Chuck Darwin in Texas

I know what you are thinking…but this isn’t a blog about creationism.

Instead it is observations of the theory of Natural Selection as observed in Texas.

  • There is no helmet law in Texas.  It is not uncommon to see motorcyclists (especially in the summertime) riding without head protection.  For that matter, there isn’t a whole lot of body protection going on either…and no, sunglasses do not really count as protection.  This lack of protection, coupled with the lack of driving skill of the average Texas motorist makes for a powerful combination.
  • I went to the Drive Thru Safari Park yesterday with my daughter.  It was a pretty cool place but we waited in a very long line of cars to get in and took note of the safety precautions.  Apparently, we were the only ones.  Also, we seem to have missed the memo that you need to drive a truck and you need to cram 27 people into your truck and they all get to hang out of the top or the sides of said truck during the Safari Tour.  Not only that, there are signs everywhere about feeding the animals by dropping the supplied food on the ground as certain animals, especially the ostriches and zebras can be aggressive and peck/bite.  This didn’t seem to deter the 27 residents of Redneck Whoville in each truck from hand feeding all the animals.  I am actually surprised that the park personnel don’t check for weapons at the front gate because I clearly saw some lip licking and hungry expressions on some of the faces while all this hand feeding was going on.  I was hoping to wake to headlines of ‘Foolish Children Eaten by Zebras’ but no such luck.  It’s ok, I fully expect the theory to catch up to some of these people at some point.
  • After having lived in Texas for several years now, I have learned to appreciate the local customs regarding floating the rivers.  Especially after last year and the crazy, Africa-Hot summer we endured…I became a big fan of this.  The concept is simple:  Buy or rent a ‘toob’ or similar flotation device and outfit it with as many beverages of choice as possible.  Then, lazily float down the river while getting way too much sun and drinking said beverages.  Needless to say, this is fairly harmless.  I don’t think there are many drunk drownings, but I wonder how many drunk drivers there are who drive away from the river after having boozed it up all day.  Also, it is a great place to witness the flotilla of poorly done tattoos.  Now granted, there are some that are well done, but sadly the norm seems to be the ones done in someone’s garage for a cut rate price.  And, logically, all the money being saved by not paying for a quality tattoo can be spent on the next tattoo…or more beer.
  • Now granted, some of these people seem to be aware in some small way about the existence of Charles Darwin’s theory.  I frequently tell people that I have never really had a drink bought for me in a bar by a woman.  Instead, I seem to attract drunks and rednecks.  They are not without their charm…using such endearments as ‘God Damn!  You got to be the biggest sumbitch in the bar!  What are you drinkin?  I am gonna buy you a shot!  Cuz if the fight breaks out tonight, I want you on my side!’  True story.  If it hadn’t happened to me several times it would not be statistically significant enough to mention 🙂

So, there is hope that some will escape the impending doom of Natural Selection.  It is just the ones who ride their motorcycle helmet-less to the river, cooler strapped to the back with a fresh tattoo in evidence and not a tube of sunscreen in sight for their freshly pecked skin that I worry about.  But then again I probably worry too much 😉

Just sayin….


This entry was posted in Humorous, Insights, Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Chuck Darwin in Texas

  1. Denise Mizell Lanning says:

    lol… Love it! And I DID try to buy you a drink once, but you had switched to water already. Miss our conversations, my friend! Jussayin…


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