It was a fairly routine night… Put my daughter to bed. Turn off the light in the turtle tank. Go to bed myself. Read for a bit. Decide I am too sleepy to make any sense of the paragraph I have read three times and not understood. Set my alarm. Turn off my light. Assume some sort of comfortable sleeping position that I will likely find uncomfortable in the coming hours at some point. Drift off to sleep…
AWAKEN with sharp burning pain in my neck. Sleepily feel affected area…No bump…No Swelling…Tends to burn more when I push on it… Sleepy brain decides I have enough information to turn light on my cell phone on and survey area for whatever little beastie has seen fit to take a bite out of me… Search in the half light turns up nothing. Bed seems to be clear of critters, as do pillows. Hmmmm…. Whatever it was must have decided I was not tasty enough and moved on…. Try to regain sleep posture and control growing Heebie Jeebie response. This works for approximately 18.6 seconds until said intruder adds insult to injury and scuttles across my forehead!!! Reflexes take over and survival instincts kick in….body propelled off mattress and offending critter swiped off of face in one smooth motion (very Matrix-worthy, I might add). Light switched on to reveal angry scorpion (about 4 inches long) sitting on the bed in the warm place I had just inhabited. Mystery solved. Hamster on wheel in skull becomes frantic and picks up the pace…Images flash across semi-conscious mind….(I will try to do the stream of consciousness justice…so please bear with me, I was still pretty groggy with an adrenaline rush added to the mix)
‘Creepy…Are there any more on me?… What is the best way to kill it?…Do I hit it with something?…No, bed is too spongy…Can I catch it?…Probably…With what?…Cup?…San Antonio has a soccer team called the Scorpions…Soccer sucks…bunch of actors…Image of scorpion crawling across the face of a Fear Factor contestant…I can now relate…Jeff Probst on Survivor offering a fishing spear to the first person to eat a scorpion…Do I eat it? Nah!…Creepy…Damn, the little guy looks angry and ready for battle!…I hope he is radioactive…he doesn’t look radioactive…Besides, what kind of cool superpowers would you get from a radioactive scorpion?…I don’t want a tail, pincers or a stinger…Glad this isn’t one of the Clash of the Titans variety of scorpion…How do I kill the thing without waking up my daughter in the next room?…Cup….(Dash in the kitchen to get a cup and trap the scorpion underneath)…There!…Can he get out of there?…How do I kill him?…Flush!…How do I get him to the toilet without giving him another opportunity to smite me viciously (not sure where the medieval vernacular came from to be honest ;))…Take the bottom sheet off…Good, that will work…Creepy…SPLASH! Take that you little bugger!…FLUSH!…FLUSH AGAIN!…Must change sheets…Creepy!’
So, while the scorpion was deciding whether it could swim or not in a pipe somewhere, I proceeded to change my bed linens, calm down, put Neosporin on the sting area, research scorpions on my phone and generally try to settle back in for the night. Ironically, I had been trying to think up a blog topic of late. I had had a few ideas but nothing too compelling, profound, or hilarious. Ironically part deux…I had a message on my phone from earlier in the evening from a friend who was admonishing me for not blogging in awhile…Hmmm….If I were a conspiracy theorist…
Anyway, most of you will read this and be creeped out…I was.
Sadly, many of you will read this and have a comparable story. This seems to be part of life in the great state of Texas….along with ridiculously hot summers, bad drivers, proper conjugation of the possessive pronoun ‘y’all’, nice people, tubing and good bbq.
It’s funny how your mind works, both conscious and unconscious… and the fuzzy area in between… The good news is that I seem to have survived the experience without much trouble. I managed not to wake up my sleeping daughter. I sent one lucky scorpion on an all expenses paid voyage to Davy Jones’ locker or the septic tank (whichever comes first). And I have not developed any sort of lame super power, embarrassing tail, and will not have to wear tights… The bad news is that I will probably regard my bed and my room with scrutiny until the ‘coast is clear’ on a nightly basis for quite some time.
On the bright side…If anyone asks me if I have ever encountered or been stung by a scorpion, I can speak authoritatively on the subject. Sweet dreams everybody… 😉
My friend Neil offered a humorous take on this post, saying that this is not the way that the superpowers would work. His fear is that somewhere in the sewer system below San Antonio now lurks a huge, muscular, polynesian-tattooed scorpion plotting its next move… I had to admit that I laughed out loud at that one. 🙂